the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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