Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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