this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
