im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
