Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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