FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
