if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
