In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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