Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
