I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
