Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Duck Duck Cougar?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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