Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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