I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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