Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
