she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
