it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
