Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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