I accidentally had phone sex last night
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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