Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
