She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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