He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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