A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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