I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
