Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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