I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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