the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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