He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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