i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
