I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
