So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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