Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
