Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You've changed since you got that strap on
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
His nipple licking is glorious
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