Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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