I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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