I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
