Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
