literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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