I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
