Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
