Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
