I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
FUCK WHALES
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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