A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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