I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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