Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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