they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
