when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
