She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
