God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
