she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
