Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
