You're my little dorito
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
