Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
