I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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