he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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